It’s your fault and it will always go this way !

“It’s your fault !”

How many times do we say these painful words ? They could be considered as simple words put together into a normal sentence. But they’re actually the meaning of a total eclipse.

Yesterday I had another big quarrel with my mother and it all started because I said : “It’s always your fault ! “.

I’m usually a moody person so I tend to be a bit surly everytime things are not going the way I want them to go. That day, I was trying to find a dress for a night out with my girls but I couldn’t find anything else but large and I-want-to-make-you-look-obese sweaters : I got crazy. I  don’t have a lot of self-esteem so it becomes pretty difficult for me to love my body. Therefore “I’m so fat” and “I hate myself” are very common sentences I use to describe myself. For this reason, when I’m stuck into a situation of what-to-wear disease I get lost; I could start screaming or crying or being rude with everybody who tries to calm me down.

That’s why I consider getting dressed as a huge and painful torture.

I mean, why can’t we go out with only a simple sweater ? Why do we need to look like we’re going to walk the Red Carpet ?  I hate my body and the fact that I have to label it in a specific size, it’s so agonizing. Like, when you get into a shop to buy new clothes, you look around the different shelves and hangers and you get to the conclusion that you won’t find anything that will fit your body, for the simple reason that everything is made to be worn by fit and skinny people.

So, in my opinion, go shopping it’s a common form of self-destruction.

Going back to my brief story .. While I was crying on the floor with my face hidden under my hands, my mother came and made it all worse. She started accusing me about the fact that I didn’t have anything to wear only because I didn’t accept her offers to go shopping with her the week before.

That was definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I exploded  and it was one of those explosions people are incapable to stop. My eyes stopped tearing and my throat dried out. Maybe she was right, or maybe not but the thing was that in that moment I didn’t want her to complain about a stupid shopping day. I needed her to comfort me and to give me the chance to find a solution to the despair I was feeling inside. I started yelling at her saying that I would feel better if she would have shut her mouth and got out of the room. Then I said : ” It’s your fault if I’m ungly and fat as shit !”

Can’t tell you what was it. I just felt I had to yell out some very painful things and I guess I did it.

In the moment I said those words and I looked at my mother’s face I felt miserable. I felt like a little bug in the middle of a giant jungle. I felt I would better be covered by a thick layer of land than be there. My heart skipped few beats because I knew that what I said was horrible.

My mother stared at me for seconds I believed were hours and then went out the room, speachless. Then I heard her steps walking through her room and the noise of a locked door. She started crying and it all was over. Shit !

It’s so aching. Why am I always incapable to control my stupid and sharp tongue ? Why do I need to say things without thinking about the consequences ? It goes this way everytime I’m blue. Being moody is such an awful thing that I can’t control unfortunately.

So, my suggestion for you guys is to Think. Always. Rationally. I know it could be difficult because of the situation you’re in but what I can tell you is that you will definitely feel worse later. You might lose something or someone you would never ever want to lose. Sometimes we forget about the power of words while we should consider speaking as a strong way to trasmit emotions and feelings.

Now I need to hug my mother and make her happier again.

I’m sorry mum, it’s always my fault !

Miss Misunderstood.

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